Nicknames: Bad Nanny, Bitch, Whatever
From: Lil' Russia
Occupation: to piss you off
Hobbies: This and that
Quote: What do you want now?
Goodafternoon to my Prends and Enemies
This evening's flight will be leaving Sioux at 6:30pm
into Wapekeka is 7:45pm
Dec 04/08
Hello !! It will be 30 days today, the last time I took painkillers. It has been a great battle for the past 4 weeks and I pray to the Good Lord to continue giving me the strength and healing me as I go on. It has been crazy, these withdraws sometime make me go over on the edge and with all that anger and pain inside of me. I have no excuse for my actions, but It is nice when you find other ways to deal with your own pain and anger. Everyday is a new experience for me on how to deal my own issues and it really helps me when people tell me their own life story and struggles. I wouldn't have lasted this long if it wasn't for the good Lord and the support I get from the Nurses in Wapekeka, and family and Thanks a whole bunch.
It’s like a whole new life for me without using the painkillers and it’s for me to find out what life has in it for me and I pray to the Lord to help, guide, strength, and continue for his mercy and healing in my life.
When people in the past have hurt me and right away I would defend myself and didn’t care what I say or do to them just as long they get hurt. This is one of the big issues I have and am learning and have been seeing my counsellor and she is really helping me understand more of myself and my anger and on how to go about it, without actually hurting other people. And just don't mind me if I don't talk to you or smile, because I tend to wander in my own thoughts.
If you have been thinking about quitting using drugs, It has to come from your heart and soul inorder to succeed and take it one day at a time. You will have to ask for help and people that you trust to support you and give you encouragement. Nobody can make you quit, it is only you and it has to come from you. You can ask the Nurses and Doctors to help you and they will help you the best way they can. You can even pray for yourself and ask people to pray for you. I find it now adays I feel so much lighter on the inside of me and it feels so great to actually live without the drugs.
Nov 21/08 -
Goodevening, It was so beautiful today and I had enjoyed myself. I'm finally getting my strength back little by little as each day goes by. My whole body went all weak on me for the past couple weeks and I have been so tired and so emotional. I have been battling out my withdrawls from taking the painkillers for so many years, it's not that I wanted to take them, it was the pain and sweats and everything that comes with it. If it wasn't for my own will, I would've never lasted this long and without my husband's support and to the people that encouraged me and that they said that I would be ok. Although, I felt like it would never get better, but it is getting better as each day goes by.
I had depended on them to get me through out the day and through out my life's up's and down's and before my day would start I'd pop my pills and this went on for many years.
Nov 04/08
Goodafternoon!!!
I received a phone call at my sisters when I went there for lunch and it was from Jack Winter. Oh!! My gosh !!!!!
I 've never been so happy and relieved to hear his voice and he told me "I'm very sorry and I should have done this earlier." and I am sooo happy and feel like light as a feather and I was jumping up and down hugging my sister.
I guess he called Zac at home first after he got off the phone, he ran all the way to my sisters. hufffinng and pufffin....
I guesss he was expecting something else from me!!
Oct 31/08
It's so good to be back home with my family n fwends. The trip was interesting and very good, learned more stuff about myself. I had good sessions with my hubby and I feel so much better.
It is a week this afternoon, since I put out my declaration on my hp. Putting it out has really helped me in my life, between me and hubby and family. I have been getting more closer with my family, before that I was just here, but not really here for them. I feel so much lighter and free not the way I felt before. Just learn to take it one day at a time and just be happy with my gang.
And, I wasn't out to get anybody when I wrote what I wrote, I just felt I had to let it go and try and make the most of my life.
I had to think about my life and family, so I had to start somewhere and I ain't the kind of person that asks for help when needed. I'm not saying it has been easy, but finding the will to live with my family again. I hope it will help someone else and give them strength not give up on life. So, have yourselves a goodnite...
Oct 24/08
Road to Recovery
My name is Vivian Tait and I have 3 boys one at 13yrs, 6yrs and my baby is 3yrs old and a husband and we have two min poodles and their names are Cookie and Cody.
I come from a family of Anderson’s and I have 4 sisters and 1 brother and 1 adopted sister.
We were raised in a small town called Wapekeka ON.
I wanted to write some of my life story and share with you of my thoughts and pain.
If you get offended of what I write, you don’t have to read this and you don’t have to care of what I feel.
I was just 12yrs old when I first got raped by Jack Winter and he was an adult and I’m sure he knew what he was doing. I tried fighting him and screaming for him to stop and he wouldn’t listen to me and I lost the battle there. After, that my life changed permanently. I felt so lost, hurt, shame, dirty, worthless. And I was always fighting with myself and fighting for my life. I started to drink and take drugs and tried to kill myself so many times and I know a few times they told me I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t care what happened to me or what I did to other people in life. I was in and out of jail for being intoxicated and getting into trouble. That went on for a number of years until, this one cop from out of town helped me get the help that I needed and I went to a 6wk Treatment Centre in Manitoba.
That was the first time I disclosed on what happen to me after keeping it to myself for many years. And I was so scared to leave the treatment and I felt so save in there.
After, I came back to the reserve and I went and disclosed to the local police and actions were placed. And, everybody in the reserve was on his side, everybody was against me and heard whispers behind my back if looks could kill, I would have been dead a long time ago. This he only got a few months of the reserve and he was just outside the reserve at a camp site. That did not help me much but, at least it was it was out in the open. I felt so cheated by the Crown’s System. The other reason why I disclosed was I didn’t want anyone else to go through of what I was going through and I guess they didn’t understand what I was trying to do for the Community and the children’s future.
For a number of years I went for counselling in Sioux Lookout and I still continued to drink and do drugs. I tried to go back to school and I dropped out, all I wanted to do was just drink so I could numb my pain. At this time I found out I was pregnant and I was setting to have an abortion and I didn’t want any child to go through of what I was going through. I couldn’t kill this baby inside of me so I just went along with the pregnancy. Today, my oldest son is 13yrs old and a big thanks for my mom and dad for their support, for raising my son for me when I couldn’t even take care of him. And I owe my life to my oldest son for he was the only reason why I never gave up on life and I love him with all of my heart.
When my oldest was about 4yrs old, I got raped for the second time this happened when I was drunk and that was another blow in my life. I pressed charges on Laz Mamakwa and he went to jail. I never went anywhere I just stayed at my house with blinds down, doors locked and I couldn’t even cook, clean, and take care of my baby boy. I couldn’t even go outside my door for over a month. Mom and Dad would call first when they would bring a plate of food for me to eat, and the only other neighbour that called and brought food for me was Ella Frog an elderly lady.
Nobody else came to see me and visit me when I was at home, because everyone was on their side supporting him.
When I tried going outside my house I felt so naked and felt everyone could see through my clothes. I started to get braver by going to mom’s after it got dark that was the only time I felt comfortable because no one would see me in the dark. It was a few months later when I finally to go around in the community with no friends, no smiles. "That’s ok I thought you can hate me all you want I don’t care"
This time I was into PainKillers and they helped me and I started to feel better and I was doing stuff again with my family and my boy.
This one summer my boy brought some stranger home and he was telling his friends "This is my daddy." And I thought "Who is this guy and I don’t even know him or where he’s from" and through out the whole year my son would always ask me to call him and I didn’t even know that he existed before. That’s how I met my husband and we had 2 other boys together.
I was already into pain killers everyday and for a number of years I was on them, just to numb the pain within me and I was alright on the outside. It has come to a point where it has affected my marriage, because my husband didn’t want me using them anymore. And we have had lot of fights over this. It came to a point where I didn't care what my husband said and I started to hate him, just because he was always on my case about the pills and all I wanted to do was just keep taking them without anybody bothering me about them. I even wanted him to leave and get the hell out of my life. And... I had made up my mind to stop using them and have been using less everyday now. I tell you it is not easy to get off from the painkillers, when you’ve depended on them for a number of years. I have my struggles and cry more and get mad and the pain sometimes feel it just happened all over again, but I’m willing not to give up on my fight to healing in my life and marriage and with my three babies. I'm so glad my hubby accepted my oldest son as his own and I am grateful for that. I never thought my oldest son would have a dad. Everytime I got pregnant I'd be so terrified, wondering "What if this baby is gonna be a girl?" I was so scared to have a daughter because I didn't want her to go through the same stuff I was going through in life. I was so relieved after everytime, I've found out that my children were boys. A few years ago my oldest asked for a sister and I replied "NO" and he asked me "Why?" Then I started to tell him some of my life experiences and during my story he had tears and he was cryin with me. Today, we still have close relation talks just me and him and that is so wonderful, I'm so glad we have this communication. I have explained to him when he has a girlfriend "Never force yourself on her and when she's say NO, respect her." And he always tells me "Mom, I know." Over the years if I have enjoyed what I was going through, I wouldn't be talking and teaching my son's to respect the females.
And I have been on Anti-depressent pills for a number of years which they are prescribed by a doctor and they help me cope with life just basically numbing the pain and when I miss my pills I turn into a raging pyscho Bitch and wanting just to attack anyone that offends me.
And, over the years lots of stuff has been going on in the community babies and small children and youth have been sexually assaulted and nobody has done nothing to try and stop this, and I wish people didn’t have to go through this.
This is crazy it shouldn’t have to happen to anybody at all!!
Feel free to share this with your loved ones, if you think it will help them.
Why?.... I leave this on. It is a reminder for me that I don't have to keep it as a secret, shame, because I kept it all to myself and I don't want to keep it anymore. If Jack and Laz are ashamed of this of what I write in here... That's is totally ok with me not my shame anymore...
I will remove this whenever I feel like it...I ain't in no rush...
To all the victims and survivors of Sexual Abuse.
Please, don't give up on life and keep on fighting for your life. Storms never last and there is a better day. That is if we don't give up on our battles and failures. It took me 25 years, I finally had the strength to fight for my life and family, and I'm so glad I never gave up. I had prayed to the good Lord and asked him to help me and heal and give me strength to live, and he certainly answered my prayer, and he can do the same for you.
And, please look for help and ask if you must, you are not alone. You don't have to carry the shame and guilt alone and there are people out there that do really care. It is not your fault and don't blame yourself and start fighting back. If, I can do it, you can do it too. If you really got to talk to me or see me, feel free to contact me or my husband, and I will do my best to help you of anyway I can.
I want to Thank my Husband, Mom, Dad, Sisters, My two lovable aunties, Elsie B, Edith A, and my cousins, and 3 of my precious gifts from God my children, and last but not the least Mr. Norman Brown for all the Shit and Pain I have caused and I love you's so much, for bearing with me all these years. AND DON'T THINK IT'S OVER. lol...I still be calling you's...
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